Transcript
SFX: Hubbub of a busy kitchen: clattering of pans, steam, etc.
[French chef Antonin Carême barks orders.]
CHEF
Ça marche: one boar, one swan, one great sturgeon’s ‘ead.
CHORUS OF COOKS
Yes, chef.
CHEF
Get out of the way. Do you not see that the great Antonin Carême is at work in the kitchen.
ALFIE
The Head Footman told us…(ASIDE, TO BILLIE) Ouch! Stop hitting me.
BILLIE
(ASSERTIVELY) The Head Footman said you would show us round the kitchen. We’re guests of the Prince.
ALFIE
(ASIDE, TO BILLIE) I thought you told me not to tell lies.
BILLIE
(ASIDE, TO ALFIE) I thought you told me you didn’t want to go up any chimneys.
CHEF
I am the world’s greatest chef. I baked the wedding cake of ze Emperor Napoleon. Now I am the chef of the Prince Regent, George of England. I aven’t got time for visitors. I ave to perfect the souffle before 1817.
BILLIE
Urgh, is that a swan?
CHEF
The swan is ze most majestic of birds, and also ze most delicious. Almost as delicious as ze pigeon
ALFIE
Yum! I want to try some!
CHEF
Get your English hands off. It is for ze Grand Duke Nicholas of Russia. I ave created 130 dishes that will be served at the fantastic banquet the Prince will host for him. And children are not invited.
ALFIE
(DISAPPOINTED) Oh!
CHEF
But if you can catch a rat, I will give you some of my delicious Potage de Pigeons.
ALFIE
Yum! What’s that?
CHEF
Pigeon soup.
BILLIE
Yum!
CHEF
We have zum cats for chasing ze rats, but they are so lazy! They prefer to eat my scraps than catch my rats. There are at least two rats in here, so if you can find them, I will be very ‘appy.
ALFIE
Come on, Billie, let’s look for the rats. Look, there’s one over there, on the shelf to the right of the door we came in. Near that big bowl thing.
CHEF
That’s a pestle and mortar. It’s for grinding things.
ALFIE
Like rats?
CHEF
Silly boy. We don’t grind rats. We grind spices!
BILLIE
If you have to cook 130 dishes, how do you keep them all warm?
CHEF
We have the latest technology: a table heated by steam. And by the fire, we have a fantastic automatic rotisserie.
ALFIE
What’s that?
CHEF
It’s for turning the chickens without cooking the kitchen boy. Have you found my rats yet?
ALFIE
I haven’t looked.
CHEF
Well go and look. And before you leave, make sure you read my menu for the Great Banquet. It is formidable!
ALFIE
Come on, Billie, let’s look for the rats!
BILLIE
Ugh, no thanks.