Transcript
SMOAKER MILES
OK, you three. Are you ready for your bath?
ALFIE
[Protesting] I had a bath last week!
SMOAKER MILES
In the sea, I mean. That’s why people came to Brighton in 1783, when Prince George first came here, to bathe in the sea and to drink seawater.
ALFIE
Ugh!
SMOAKER MILES
It’s very good for you, you know. If the water is clean. These days it’s too dirty.
BILLIE
So you help people bathe?
SMOAKER MILES
Not you, young lady. You need a dipper, like Martha Gunn. She’ll help wheel your bathing machine into the sea and make sure you dip your head under the water.
BILLIE
And you don’t do that?
SMOAKER MILES
No, I’m Smoaker Miles. I’m a bather, so I do the same for gentlemen. It’s dippers for the ladies, and bathers for the gentlemen. Don’t ask me why, ‘cos some of the men need help dipping their heads, same as the ladies. Especially come the winter.
ALFIE
You swim in the sea in winter?
SMOAKER MILES
That we do. Good for you, it is. Poor old George, he had problems with his health, all that wine and fine food. One time I was so concerned, I walked all the way to London to ask after him.
ALFIE
To London! But that’s miles!
SMOAKER MILES
Near on fifty miles there, that’s right. And near on fifty miles back again.
BILLIE
Couldn’t you get the train?
SMOAKER MILES
The train didn’t arrive here until the year 1841, long after I was dead and buried. Course, later in his life, King George weren’t so keen on bathing in public, being a bit on the large side. So he had a seawater bathing pool built in a room right behind the mirror there.
ALFIE
There’s a secret door! Just to the left of the mirror.
SMOAKER MILES
That’s the one. It’s called a jib door.
ALFIE
And did you bathe him here too.
SMOAKER MILES
Not me! It was after my time, when he was King George, not just the Prince Regent. No, he had someone to give him a massage. Indian man by the name of Sake Dean Sake Mahomed. Opened the first curry house in England, he did.
BILLIE
But why is the King’s bedroom downstairs?
SMOAKER MILES
Well, you see, towards the end of his life, he had trouble getting up and down stairs, on account of his great size. That’s why this bed has a mechanical device to raise it up.
ALFIE
So he could roll out of bed!
SMOAKER MILES
That’s right, young sir. There’s another secret door by the bed that leads to his privy, and to some hidden stairs.
BILLIE
There, just to the right!
ALFIE
What’s a privy?
SMOAKER MILES
I believe it’s what you’d call it a toilet. And he had an infernal contraption for getting around, like a chair on wheels. A Merlin chair, they call it. Very new-fangled.
ALFIE
A wheelchair!
SMOAKER MILES
I suppose you could call it that. Now if you walk down the room, you’ll see two very interesting globes,that I think you might like. And in the next room, see if you can find the portrait of me, Smoaker Miles. Good day to you.
ALFIE
Good day!
BILLIE
Good day!